I had shitty parents.

That’s not factually true, but I blame them for many of my flaws because it’s an easier cop out.  One is never being forced to watch any Disney movies as a kid. As far back as I can remember all I was concerned about was sports, music and WWF wrestling. In other words, watching Disney movies was something I’d never do voluntarily. My pushover parents reckoned it wasn’t worth the argument and just let it slide. Shame on them.

By the time I became a teenager and subsequently a douchebag young adult, I figured it wasn’t worth playing catch-up, and barely watched anything Disney. If I did I’m sure it was by accident. 

Not until recently when my wife eyeballed me with utter repugnance upon discovering I’ve barely watched anything Disney that I’m finally inspired me to finally take the plunge. Well, hopefully my lack of Disney is the reason for her disdain towards me, but who really knows.

Over the past month I’ve watched a few dozen Disney flicks (thank you Firestick) and one by one I’m reviewing them as if they premiered in theaters last Friday. 

You’re welcome.

I’m warning you now—- any Disney recap is inundated with spoilers. If haven’t to see these classics yet are reading this, you’re a bigger piece of shit than me and deserve to have everything spoiled.

Without further ado, let’s kick off the series with…


TARZAN  (1999)

Based in Africa wastes, Tarzan wastes no time plunging into anguish and ferocious mutilation, as both Tarzan’s parents are slaughtered by a leopard with an insatiable craving for human flesh, Sabor before opening credits are barely finished rolling.  Infant Tarzan is approaching the same fate until Kala, a female gorilla manages to snag Tarzan away from Sabor’s clutches and escape.  Kale takes Tarzan back to her neck of the woods and resolves to raise him as one of her own—pretty fuckin’ stupid considering Tarzan’s human and she’s a gorilla, but it is what it is.

Despite every Tom, Dick, and Harry in the troop apprehensive of baby Tarzan for obvious reasons they semi-accept him.  That doesn’t include the dominant male in the family, Kerchack, who condemns Kala’s actions, identifying before anyone else a testosterone-filled Tarzan one day will lead to his untimely demise.

More on that later.

In spite of obstacles that’d lead you to assume he’d be dead and literally devoured in the jungle inside 72 hours, Tarzan grows up remarkably fine, enjoying a passive existence along with his two best buds; a female gorilla (Terk) and male elephant (Tantor).

Skip ahead several years—- Tarzan (now a young adult) has his stress-free life interfered with by a female, because of course. The movie’s scoundrel, Jane is accompanied by her father (Professor Porter) and tour guide/mercenary killer (Clayton) as they’re exploring Africa in effort to learn more about gorillas.  This surprises me, as Jane hardly seems the type to give a shit about researching other species enough to leave England and set sail on a boat with her father and near-stranger to another continent, but that’s what they feed us.

Anyway, Jane gets separated from the men because she thinks she knows everything and promptly is encountered with danger, as a large pack of blood-thirsty baboons wish to pillage her. Tarzan ends up saving her and within seconds you sense the sexual tension in both their eyes.  Rather than sneak off into a private part of the jungle to handle their business, Tarzan inexplicably goes with Jane back to the camp where her dipshit father and future-heel Clayton stay.

Over time and contrary to Kerchack’s (the sole intelligent character in this movie) demands, Tarzan regularly sneaks away and returns to Jane’s camp, where she educates him on speaking English but not the significance of humans walking around fully clothed. By this time you distinguish Tarzan’s feelings for Jane escalating past wanting to impregnate her and blossoming into true love.  Deliberately or not Jane uses Tarzan’s emotional state against him—convincing him to return them to the part of the jungle the gorillas occupy so daddy and Clayton can get their study on.

Initially it doesn’t work as Tarzan says no.  The trio are set to return to England, at which time Jane asks Tarzan to come with because she isn’t troubled over ripping him apart from the only family he’s ever known. Tarzan doesn’t, but crooked Clayton ultimately convinces him Jane will remain with him eternally if he leads them to the gorillas.  Ever the opportunist, Tarzan agrees and brings them in his inner circle.

They’re all playing nice on the gorilla homestead until an unsuspecting Kerchak returns (he wasn’t there initially) incensed to see the humans interacting with his kind. He goes to assail Jane and Co. to show them whose boss, but Tarzan powers him away to allow them to escape.  This breaks the spirit of Kerchark, who (rightfully) indicts Tarzan of betraying his troop and renounces him.  At this point Kata takes Tarzan back to where Sabot mutilated his parents.  Tarzan soon throws on a suit that we’ll assume was his father’s 20+ years ago yet fits perfectly— and decides he needs to be with the narcissistic Jane.

Tarzan joins the ship setting sail for England with Jane and Porter, but is immediately ambushed by Clayton and his team of hooligans.  Now that Clayton knows where the gorillas are Tarzan is of no use, so they chain he, Jane and Porter up and set off to capture Kerchack’s family.  Terk and Tantor end up finding Tarzan and help him escape as they rush to his old stomping grounds. Unfortunately during the ensuing fracas Clayton shoots and gravely wounds Kerchack before eventually meeting his own death via confrontation with Tarzan, tho in Tarzan’s defense Clayton more/less accidentally hangs himself.

With his last breath, Kerchack absolves Tarzan for his disloyalty and ultimately getting him murdered, and names his bastard son the new leader of the troops.

The next morning the ship containing Jane and Porter departs while Tarzan miserably watches the woman accountable for wrecking his life and slaying his adopted father sail away. However, Porter persuades his manipulative daughter the least she could do is remain with the man that risked everything for her. She goes back to shore and jumps into his arms, Porter joins the party and they all live happily ever after—because it’s Disney.


ONE BURNING QUESTION – Where’s the outrage over Kerchack?

Until recently I hadn’t seen The Lion King but eavesdropping of conversations among those who had screamed outrage over Mufasa dying.  After seeing The Lion King I totally agree. But while I’m incensed Mufasa was offed, after seeing Tarzan I need to pose the question—where’s the outrage over Kerchack’s murder? Before seeing Tarzan I knew of the lead character, gorillas and the African jungle but never heard of any protesting among moviegoers over Kerchack getting axed.  That sounds like some bullshit to me.

Like Mufasa, Kerchack was the king of his troop and died protecting his family from evil-intentioned invaders.  I mean WTF—this is an animated Disney movie not a season finale of Game of Thrones.  Where’s the uproar over Kerchack?


MoranAlytics Grade: B-  I feel like Tarzan got played in a cautionary tale about what happens when you choose a female over family.  As an aside, I don’t think Jane was that hot either.  She’s certainly no Megara from Hercules.